Archive for the ‘Valentine 2014’ Category

A lot like love

 

Read Episode I here
Read Episode II Here

 

 

“Sam do you have any wine left? I can’t seem to find any.” Maggie was shouting to Sam who was upstairs scattering her entire wardrobe in search of a perfect summer dress to wear for the lunch they were having.

Maggie’s model friends were coming but most importantly, Bernard was coming and he was bringing his brother and his nephew. Sam felt an unusual urge to impress them. It was as if she needed them to approve of her which made no sense to her at all. She didn’t even know what Bernard wanted from her let alone how to impress his brother and his 8-year old nephew. She however couldn’t wait to meet Ben’s nephew. She had forgotten to ask for his name but it didn’t even matter. She could ask the little boy himself and Ben introduces them later that evening. Ben’s nephew is exactly the same age as Thomas and Sam felt it would be good to be in the company of a different kid. Maybe Ben’s nephew would give her insight on how to win Thomas’s heart again, she felt hopeful and smiled settling for a white linen sundress with orange flowers. Sam glanced at the wall clock hanging in the guest bedroom that she had been sleeping in since her divorce. Ben would be here in less than two hours and her sister was grumbling downstairs like a kid over a bottle of wine.

“Check the cellar Maggie!!! There is one bottle left there. Ice it! I need to shower.” She shouted at Maggie and without waiting for a reply, she jumped into the shower.

It was a beautiful afternoon, Maggie and Sam had prepared an excellent lunch of barbeque sauce and macaroni, ordered cookies for desert and iced the bottle of wine Maggie had pulled out from the cellar. Maggie’s friends were around and they were almost done setting the table for lunch. They had chosen to eat outside the yard. The whole compound lit up with life and Sam couldn’t remember the last time she felt so alive. She was positive it would be a beautiful afternoon. Ben chose that moment to stroll into the house Sam had shared with her family,

“Hey everyone” he was looking at Sam. She blushed instantly and Ben shook hands with Maggie and her friends.

He didn’t walk over to where Sam was, he didn’t trust himself enough to stop himself from scooping her into his arms and kissing her full lips. She looked so much more beautiful in her sundress than he could ever remember. He waved to her from afar and winked in the sexiest way Sam had ever seen. She blushed again. Ben helped them set the table and they settled down to eat. After small chit chat and a few laughs, Sam decided to ask Ben about his brother and his nephew. She had thought they would come in together and when she didn’t see them come in with him, she had thought again that maybe they would meet them soon but, lunch was almost over and they weren’t here yet. When Sam asked Ben, he told her his nephew had thrown a tantrum that afternoon and his father (Ben’s brother) said he wasn’t in the mood to eat amidst people so Ben decided to come alone. Sam’s heart sank. She was really looking forward to meeting a part of Ben. He noticed the change in her mood and assured her that he’d make sure she met them. Sam smiled and they continued with lunch. It was a beautiful afternoon and Sam really didn’t want it to end but Maggie had to leave with her friends. All three of Maggie’s friends, Bella, Regina and Emma helped Sam and Maggie pack up and do the dishes while Bernard decided to clear the yard.

Just as Maggie’s friends were leaving, one of them, Emma noticed Ben’s pager had fallen out of his pocket. She picked it up and was giving it to him when the pager lit up in bright green. Emma had never seen anything like it. She didn’t even know that pagers could light up so brightly. Even Ben was surprised.

“What is it?” She asked him and he had no answer. He just took the device from her and pushed it into his pocket. Emma was the most playful of the girls. She was chatty, friendly and fun to hang around with.

Bernard looked at her she wasn’t a very beautiful woman but she had a smile to die for and he could tell from the little time he spent eating lunch with her that she wasn’t like the other models. Emma was intelligent and well behaved, she appeared to be a classy, sophisticated but yet humble woman. He smiled at her and walked her to the car. Emma was saying a lot of things but Ben wasn’t listening. He was thinking about Carl’s device and its strange reaction to women lately. It had made a loud noise when Sam touched it and now with Emma, it shown like a green lantern. He decided that he would try putting in another woman’s hands and see what would happen.

After Maggie’s friends had left and all the dishes done, Maggie said she was meeting a friend for a late movie and asked Sam if she wanted to tag along with Ben but they refused so she left them in the house and went her way. Sam brought the rest of the wine and asked Ben if he was interested, he nodded. They sat down together on the porch with their glasses and talked for a long time. They didn’t even keep track of the time; they were so into each other talking about games, politics, life……..

“I have never been married” Ben said after they had a laugh over a joke Sam had told.

His statement made the atmosphere between them a little tense. He was looking Sam straight in the eyes as he spoke to her divulging all the things in his heart he hadn’t been able to say to anyone.

“My brother was married to some woman who bore a son and ran away afterwards. She decided she couldn’t go on with my brother and then she left him.”

Sam didn’t know what to say. It seemed to her that his brother’s wife really broke his brother’s heart and it affected Ben in ways she couldn’t explain. She held his right hand in both of her hands and caressed it, her touch sent a tingling feeling down his spine. He was totally vulnerable. Unable to restrain himself, Ben grabbed her by the waist and pulled her in for a kiss. Mesmerized by his pull, Sam gave in and allowed Ben’s lips cover hers in a passionate and almost endless kiss. The vibe between them was heightened. Sam was sure that she was in a different world, she pulled him closer and he deepened the kiss. Thrusting his tongue and her mouth, he started murmuring. Sam didn’t know what he was saying, she wanted to pause so she could hear him but he wouldn’t let her. His strong arms lifted her off her feet and placed her on the balcony around the porch. She put her arms around him and they kissed some more. It felt like heaven, and then they stopped to catch their breath.

“I have no idea what it is with you that keeps pulling me towards you but it is strong.” Ben said under his breath.

He kissed Sam on the nose and the then kissed her on the mouth again then he pulled away. “I gotta go” he said. “I don’t wanna do something we’ll regret in the morning.”

Sam couldn’t find her voice so she just nodded and walked with him to his car as if in a trance.

 

*To be continued…

 

Elizabeth
@Demz03
 
 

A lot like love

Read Episode I here

Bernard had just returned from Tyler’s house. He had an awesome time with his brother and his nephew, Thomas, and he was totally beat up. Bernard knew he needed his rest now. It was very almost 7pm. He looked at his mini library and it occurred to him that he had to return the books he had borrowed the day before. Bernard had promised the librarian that he wouldn’t pay the late charges this time and he scratched his head.

“Urggh!!!” He mumbled, then picked up himself and the books and headed for the library.

Bernard made it to the library in due time and returned the books, chatted with the librarian for a few seconds and left for home. But just as he was leaving, he decided to stop over at a coffee shop and just kill some time before he had to go to bed. He had work the next day and there was a presentation coming up that week that he was yet finish. Bernard loved his job and he couldn’t wish for a better one. He let himself into the shop, ordered for coffee and settled down in the comfortable chair. He was yet to take the first sip of his coffee when a man appeared from nowhere seated in front of him. The man seemed to be about the same age with him probably mid thirties. Bernard looked up startled and almost spilled his coffee.

“HEY, where the hell did you come from?” He blurted out almost immediately and regretted it instantly.

The man had an air of coolness around him and he just smiled at Bernard and stretched his arm for a handshake “My name is Carl, at least that’s what I’m known for around here, and you’re my next project.” He beamed at Bernard.

Bernard didn’t know if he should’ve been confused, irritated, annoyed or relieved. He just stared at man without taking his hand. Carl patted him on the shoulder instead and urged him to finish his coffee so they could take a walk and he’d explain everything to Ben. He was done with his coffee in less than a minute, he signaled the waitress, paid for his coffee and strolled out awkwardly with his latest friend.

Carl looked at Bernard and smiled. “I bet you’re wondering what I meant by you’re my next project aren’t you?” He asked him and Benard nodded.

He smiled again. “Well for starters, this isn’t really what I look like. I had to look like this to be taken seriously.”

Bernard looked at him without saying a word waiting for him to finish whatever he had to say. He wasn’t really interested in it but he still want to hear it.

“Like I said you’re my next project and I couldn’t be interested in any other thing asides your love life.”

Bernard looked at him with surprise “I don’t have one.” He blurted out.

 “Yes, I know.” He replied. “But you’re about to have one and you’re about to make a mistake too.”

“Am I?” Bernard asked him sarcastically.

“Yes you are.” Carl put his hand in his pocket and brought out a pager, handing it over to Bernard, he said “This device isn’t what you think it is, when you’re with the one, it turns green and when you’re about to make a mistake, it beeps.”

Bernard collected the pager and looked at it. “How is this supposed to help my imaginary love life?” He asked.

But before he looked up, Carl was gone. He looked around him but couldn’t find Carl. He looked at the pager again and around him. Trying to figure out exactly how it works, he walked back to his apartment.

************

 Samantha was on her way from the store when she bumped into him. She was entertaining her sister from New York and she needed to be prepared. Her sister, Maggie always wanted all the things she didn’t have and Samantha didn’t want Maggie to have yet another thing to complain about. She was already behind schedule as her sister would be landing in Boston any minute.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you. I was in such a hurry.” She picked up the man’s pager and handed it over to him.

“It’s okay; I wasn’t watching the road either.” Bernard replied collecting Carl’s device from Sam as he was used to calling it now.

The device had been more or less useless since Carl had given it to him about two weeks before and Bernard was tired of carrying around but he had no choice. Each time he tried to leave it behind, he would find a giant arrow in front of his doorstep preventing him from leaving the house. He hadn’t seen Carl but he got text messages from him almost every day reminding him that he was being watched. Bernard had no idea what kind of game Carl was playing but it seemed to him he had no choice in the matter and had to play along. He still wasn’t sure what planet Carl came from but he had since concluded after his incident with the door blocking arrow that Carl was definitely not from earth. Bernard looked at the device in Sam’s hand now and was shocked. It totally came to life and started making a fuss. It beeped repeatedly. Bernard was smiling but Sam was totally lost, she didn’t understand why Bernard was smiling at his pager. She shook the pager in his face and Bernard looked at her with the smile still lurking on his face.

“Oh! Thank you.” He said collecting the device from her without knowing how to make it stop, he slipped it into his pocket.

Sam picked up her shopping bag that had fallen to the ground when she collided with Bernard and started to walk away but Ben stopped her.

“Hey, I remember you. You owe me lunch.” He said.

Samantha looked back at him puzzled, wondering what was going on. “Owe you lunch? I don’t even know who you are.”

“Yes you do” Bernard replied.

Then he began to explain how they met on a windy afternoon and how he had helped her get a taxi. Sam nodded now remembering him totally.

“You visit the town library right?” He asked her and she nodded again still smiling.

She remembered him now vividly. She had started seeing him in the library about a month after her divorce. He had a charm that he threw all over the staff in the library but Sam had paid no attention to him. She was in no mood for a man at that time.

Sam smiled at him again “I don’t remember making lunch arrangements with you though.” she said.

“You didn’t but you should have.” Bernard replied. “When someone helps you on a windy day, the least you could do is have lunch with them.”

They chatted and laughed for a while totally forgetting that they were standing on the road. Sam finally invited Ben over for lunch in her house with her sister the next afternoon. After chatting for a while, Sam remembered her sister, they exchanged phone numbers and she hurried home thinking about Bernard and whistling aloud.

*To be continued…

 

Elizabeth
@Demz03

And of course, we cant leave our duchess out… This is one hell of a beautiful piece. 😀

Enjoy…as always
val's14

Zino gave him a foot massage as he watched the African nations cup qualifier, he loved it when she did this. He loved most things his wife of 2 years did. She was the most beautiful woman he had seen. She made the best banga soup in the world, okay second best after his mum’s. She was a real gem though, he was lucky to have gotten such a beautiful woman and to end up her husband seemed like the best blessing a man could ask for. He met her in his final year of UNI and spent the next one year asking for a date. First, all he wanted was to date her, but once they started dating he knew he couldn’t spend the rest of his life without her. She was obviously scared of his player past and especially since she had caught him cheating on her once. It took a lot of convincing and begging for her to finally give in.

Finally, on the 4th of September 2010 they said their vows in front of her amazing family and his.

They decided not to have kids immediately, so they spent the first year traveling to different parts of the world, she was a director at her father’s company so she took a long leave and he was a travel agent and could afford to work from any part of the world. He always told Zino that the Maldives trip was his best trip ever.

The second year of their marriage wasn’t as good as they had expected. Zino became very ill, she kept treating malaria, typhoid and eventually pneumonia. Efe couldn’t take it anymore and made her travel out for a checkup in the UK. Zino was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was already in its late stage. It was detected late. The doctor told him his wife was going to die. Efe cried like a baby, he was going to lose his best friend, his baby, his angel, his wife, he wasn’t ready. Zino was only 26; 26 year olds never died of cancer or did they? He had to be strong for his wife.

They went to a counselor; he had sessions with them and tried to help them come to terms with her impending death. Her father refused to accept it, he kept asking if money was the problem, he wanted to fly her to the best hospitals in the world, he forced them to go to the US for a second opinion, every doctor said the same thing, it was too late for chemo, it was too late to save her life, she had only a few weeks to live, at most 2 months.

They spent her last days in bed mostly, she wanted to travel and be lively but she had no energy and was too sick. His family were very supportive, they came to help clean and cook, his sister particularly made all her favourite meals, everyday felt like the ‘last supper’. Her parents were distraught; they brought different men of God every day. In fact Zino was the strongest of everyone, she came to terms with it so easily, this upset Efe so much, he hated that she didn’t want to fight, to survive, to stay with him. How could she accept death so easily? Efe hardly worked, he just wanted to be close to his wife all the time.

As they lay in bed cuddling and watching Scandal, he felt her breath stop and her body stiffen. His wife was gone. He just held her and cried so hard. The next few weeks were a blur, the burial was planned and executed without much input from him, he only picked her dress and the venue of internment.

That was six months ago. Today he walked into his office looking around in disgust as he saw the valentine decorations everywhere. This was the first time in 6 years that he didn’t need to make valentine preparations. He missed Zino, he missed her so much. He didn’t even want much in life; he would trade everything in the world to hear her laugh again.

The date was the 14th of February 2014. He had already told his secretary to buy him flowers to take to his wife’s grave. He had to go to work to pick them up. As he entered his office he saw a big envelop sitting on his desk, he’d deal with it later, he was already feeling down and he knew why. He decided to open the envelop, maybe he should ask his secretary who it was from. He picked the envelop, opened it and saw a paper and a key, he opened the paper and it read:

Efe my love,
How have you been? Hope you are doing great without me?

It was from Zino. How? He continued to read.

Do you have a girlfriend yet? Lol . I doubt it. I didn’t want you to spend valentine alone so I got you a new toy! Take the key and take your new baby for a spin.
I love you now and always.

P.S you always asked what I did with all the money my parents and uncle gave me for the wedding, well … Lol

Efe was stunned. This woman was perfect. How did she plan this? While he worried about her health she worried about valentine. She was a piece of work.

He went outside and took a good look at his new toy. It was a 2013 BMW R1200GS . It was simply amazing.

He went inside the office beaming like a kid, his workers were whispering, he was so sure his wife had managed to win ‘most romantic wife’ award. He picked her flowers and got on his bike. As he rode away he realized he was indeed lucky to have had Zino till her dying day.

 

@duchesskk
www.eccentricaro.tumblr.com

Happy Valentine’s Day people… Hope you have the best one yet.

This is one of the awesome pieces we have for you today. Don’t forget to leave your thoughts.

Enjoy…val's14

Ogechi was nervous, as nervous as any new wife would be on her wedding night.

Except this wasn’t her wedding night. It was the night of Valentine, and her wedding had been last Saturday. Yes, it had been her traditional wedding, but still, it was a ceremony that had sanctioned her union to Benson Ogbu. Even though the groom hadn’t been present, what with all the engagements he had to tidy up back where he lived and worked in the UK. It didn’t matter to her that she had had to hand over the traditional cup of palm wine to Benson’s brother, Ikenna. After all, Ikenna was family, and it was said that when you married a man, you married his family too. It didn’t also bother her that she didn’t know Benson very well. Their courtship could be summed up in a few phone calls, after her mother had passed her photograph to his mother, who in turn emailed it to her son, who viewed it, approved and made contact. Then there was that awkward first meeting when he visited Nigeria briefly last year, a meeting that was chaperoned by their mothers (who were best friends and dreamed of having best-friend grandchildren). He liked her even better in real life, and she didn’t think he was bad-looking either. He had money, she had beauty. They got on well together, and even shared a few laughs and good conversation. He liked that she was so well-mannered, and she liked that he respected her wish not to tumble into bed with him until after their wedding. The most intimacy they’d shared was a few chaste kisses he gave her on the lips and the steamy phone sex conversations they engaged in when he returned to the UK. She was positive that that was enough.

“You are crazy if that’s what you think!” her best friend, Stacy had exploded when she confided in her the status of her relationship with her future husband.

“Oh come on, Stace –”

“Come on wetin? You mean to tell me that you haven’t had sex with this guy and you want to marry him?” said Stacy in an incredulous tone. The young woman had no inhibitions about sex, and had a plethora of ex-boyfriends as a testament of her active sex-life.

“What is so wrong with that?” interjected Ogechi’s other best friend, Maryann. “Sex is so overrated. And sex before marriage is very risky. That is why I have a purity pledge going with my boyfriend. We are not going beyond kissing and smooching until after marriage,” she finished piously.

“Eh, we have heard you, Sister Mary,” Stacy rejoined caustically. “While you are busy basking in all the glory of your purity pledge, perhaps Obinna is out there getting his dick the much needed relief it needs from another woman.” She waited a beat before adding cheekily, “Or man.”

“Hey! Don’t you dare talk about my man like that,” Maryann snapped, her eyes flashing. “He loves me and will never do anything to hurt me.”

“Riiiiight,” Stacey drew the word out in a sarcastic drawl, rolling her eyes at what she perceived was her friend’s naiveté.

“Abeg, you two, it’s enough,” Ogechi cut in with a weary tone that suggested she played the role of peacemaker a lot. “This is about me –”

“Exactly,” Stacey interrupted again. “It’s about you and your future as a wife. And you’re about to sacrifice it all on the altar of chastity.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Listen, I’m all for holding off sex until you are mature enough to handle the responsibilities that could come with it –”

Maryann cut in with a disbelieving snort and an eye-roll of her own.

Stacey ignored her and continued, “But girl, I believe you should know the strength of the car you’re paying for before you let it into your garage.”

Ogechi let out a gust of laughter at the suggestive metaphor. In spite of herself, even Maryann let her face crease into a grudging smile.

“It’s true nah,” Stacey insisted. “He may look good on the outside, but what about what he has inside? I mean, for heavenssakes, you just can’t go into a marriage without at least knowing the size of his dick. Don’t you want to know if Benson is packing a hunting rifle or a tiny little plastic kid’s pistol? After all, he knows how big your boobs are. I’m not saying size would be a deal breaker, but don’t you have the right to know what’s down there?”

“Stacey!” Ogechi protested laughingly.

“And the sex itself – not everyone is great in bed, you know that? And the fact that he is good-looking doesn’t translate to him giving good sex. A lot of good sex is about listening to your partner and being able to respond accordingly. And a woman’s honeypot needs a good listener and an even better responder, if you know what I mean,” she finished with a lascivious smile.

“Yes, Stacey, even the nuns in a convent know what you mean,” Maryann interjected caustically as Ogechi exploded into more gales of laughter.

That was three months ago. She hadn’t heeded Stacey’s advice and given in to any urge to sleep with Benson. It wasn’t that she was untouched or a virgin; she’d had exactly two boyfriends/sexual partners in the past. Something, however, had changed for her when it came to the prospect of marriage. She was determined to wait. It helped that Benson was away in London, and wasn’t around to pressure her, however tacitly or explicitly, into having sex with him.

And now, she was his wife. In the eyes of custom, anyway. The traditional wedding was last weekend. The church wedding was tomorrow. Tonight was Valentine’s night, and she was in bed, waiting with a thumping heart for the man she was now to call husband.

Her decision to do this had surprised him, pleasantly so, she could tell. He returned to Nigeria this morning, and she had been at the airport in Port Harcourt to welcome him from his trip from Lagos. They exchanged a chaste kiss on the lips and she looked him in the eyes and said, “I want us to do it tonight.” And in response, he smiled a slow, sexy smile of acknowledgement.

Just then, the bathroom door swung open and he entered the room, his presence bringing her thoughts to a crashing halt. He was bare-chested and clad only in boxer shorts. Moisture from his bath dewed the skin of his impressive build, and as he walked slowly toward the bed, her eyes dropped to his shorts, and she stared intently at the crotch, as though somehow, her eyesight possessed the laser-like power required to sear through the material of the boxers and know what hung down behind it.

Don’t you have the right to know what’s down there? Stacey’s words resonated in her head.

Just then, she became aware that while she’d been sizing him up, he’d also had his eyes all over her too. Taking on an intensity that made her breath catch, slowly and deliberately, his gaze was going over her, from the crown of her soft fall of hair, over the lithe length of her lingerie-clad body, to the toes of her bare feet. When it lingered meaningfully in significant places, her blood pounded wildly in her ears. His gaze slowly retraced its path to her heated face, those lips curved into an expression she recognized, one that hinted at the fact that he was probably thinking something dirty.

The bed sunk in under his weight as he climbed unto it. He crawled slowly to where she was lying. Her heart started a rapid tattoo. His face angled closer to hers. His lips loomed before her face. Her eyes began to flutter shut as he came closer.

And then their lips met in a union that seemed to still her breathing. He slid one arm under her back and lifted her up and into the kiss, devouring her with a hungry intensity Ogechi felt to the tips of her toes. She twisted closer, her breasts flattened against his chest, her breath emerging in short, shallow pants that mixed with his. His tongue slid inside, and took hers in prolonged, erotic strokes.

Don’t you have the right to know what’s down there? Even in that heated moment, Stacey’s words just wouldn’t leave her be.

She tried to moan them away, and kissed Benson with reckless abandon, her hands clutching at his shoulders, encircling his neck. He murmured approvingly against her lips and kissed her back with as much ardour.

Don’t you have the right to know what’s down there? Don’t you have the right to know what’s down there?

Oh, for the love of God! She thought with some aggravation and started to pull away from Benson’s embrace. He resisted, but she was insistent, placing her hands firmly against his chest and pushing backward. He reluctantly allowed himself to be parted from her.

Then she dipped her hand downward, past the waistband of his boxer shorts, and into the still-damp interior. Her fingers skirted the pubic hair before grasping the semi-hard length of his manhood. At her touch however, it came further alive, desire pumping thickly through its veins and hardening it into a throbbing length that she sighed gratefully over.

Benson’s lips curved into a knowing smile and he murmured, “You like?”

“Oh, I like very much,” she gusted with a laugh.

“Happy Valentine, I suppose?” he said with a chuckle.

“Oh it already is, my love,” she returned. Silently she added: Yes, Stacey, it’s a Happy Valentine for me.

Written by Walter Ude.
Twitter handle: @Walt_Shakes
Blogger at www.mymindsnaps.wordpress.com

This is one of the most outstanding stories we have for you guys…saving the best of the best for last….

Enjoy…

val's14

“FATHER, MOTHER AND SON COMBINED! YOU DON KILL ME TODAY!” came the voice of Mama Derpina, and it quickly bounced off adjoining walls in the face-me-I-face-you network of this compound in Agege.

Nobody ran to her rescue. Nobody pricked their ears and said disapprovingly “Why that man dey too like to dey beat hin wife like that?” Mama Kelechi, however, shook her head, her face contorted in prudish revulsion. Nobody heard her, but she mouthed “harlot” (she pronounced it “allot”) before crossing briskly into the soot-blackened communal kitchen to give the akpu a few last turns.

Papa Ebuka cleared his throat as he moved his draughts piece across the board, noticing amusedly that Chidi, his neighbor, was distracted. Chidi crossed his legs (which is really funny, if you imagine a man trying to cross his leg while straddling a bench), hiding the beginnings of tumescence deep within his Utomi HillFinger boxers.

No, Mama Derpina wasn’t suffering from domestic violence (sort of). She was being ‘lashed’ from behind by another kind of cane (About 8.2 inches long with the approximate girth of thirty bundled-up chewing sticks), and she was calling on several deities who would have preferred to distance themselves from the matter.

As Papa Derpina rolled off his woman onto his side of the bed, Mama Derpina sighed satisfiedly and adjusted the wrapper – which was also their makeshift bedsheet – and wrapped her sweaty buttocks.

“Why you dey cover am na? Something wey you show me na na na?” Derpina’s popsy said with an amused smirk on his face.

“Ehen na. When feem finish, them no dey off TV? My TV don off abeg.”

Papa Derpina chuckled softly and smiled into the darkness. There were times, in the morning, when mama Derpina snored and drooled on the shared pillow (Which, as a matter of fact, was just a pillowcase stuffed with dirty laundry), where he often had to fight the urge to press the pillow against her face until she died, escape from the house (leaving Derpina sleeping in her room) and flee to Malawi. There were times when he considered mounting his okada and riding for as long as his fuel tank would go, then continue the journey – running – until he passed out from exhaustion. Mama Derpina was aggravating, truth be told, but her vocals during sex kept Papa Derpina coming for more.

Figuratively and otherwise.

“You know say all the neighbors hear when you dey shout, athink?” Papa Derpina asked, breaking the cloying silence.

“Ehen? And so?”

“Them go don discuss us tire since we pack come this area.”

“Na jealousy dey kill them na. When the women no sabi do. Na so papa Ebuka go play draft from morning ‘til night ooooh. Hin face go come long like NEPA pole because hin wife dey do 100 days fasting for shosh.”

Papa Derpina smiled again. It was also the pillow talk that made him almost love his wife. Almost. He surreptitiously adjusted his head until he arrived – ‘miraculously’ – atop her left breast. He nuzzled against her breast, feeling her heart beat through the mound of adipose tissue and sprinklings of areola.

“Valentine don come oh, Michael.”

It is important to describe Papa Derpina’s reflex mental reaction to that statement. Papa Derpina (in his mind), jumped off the bed naked, out the window, stepped on the broken shards of glass and kept running with bleeding feet until he reached the Nigeria-Cameroon border where he fought off some kidnappers and terrorists with the jawbone of an ass and migrated to Egypt where he spent the rest of his life building pyramids under a heavy sun and hard labor.

However, the bodily Papa Derpina lay frozen on the mound. This night was fast reaching its anticlimax. Mama Derpina never called him by his given name – Michael – unless money was about to change hands.

“Go on,” he said. His English always became perfect whenever he felt threatened. “I am listening.”

“Nothing oh. Just dey check say you never forget the date.” And she trowayed face like ees nothing.

Papa Derpina did a mental recon and arrived at a plan of action: ignore this problem and hope it goes away. “Okay. I no forget. I wan go piss.”

“Before you go. Hope say we go do this valentine proper this year sha?”

DIRECT CONFRONTATION, thought Papa Derpina in capital letters. THIS ENEMY GOETH NOT EXCEPT BY PRAYER AND FASTING.

“The piss don hook me.”

“Ehn. Just talk make I know. E no go take time.”

“You wan’ make I piss for body first before you know say the matter serious?”

“Yes. I go mop grand. No be today. You kuku piss for bed last week. Oya. Talk.”

His brain, seeing red again, switched to English. “Woman, believe me, there is no cause for alarm or consternation. Every preamble has been covered to ensure suitable goodwill amongst both parties, id est you and me.”

“Sir?”

“I don handle the valentine matter. I go surprise you, I swear.”

“Ehen! Na wetin I just want make you talk. You fit go piss, my strong, strong husband!”

Laughing drily, Papa Derpina made his way to the paint bucket situated in the corridor (that was their makeshift ‘toilet’ in case you wondered).

He held the bucket close to his flaccid penis as his urine dropped reluctantly into the bucket and sighed miserably.

Expenses, expenses. Derpina go chop food, wear cloth. Mama Derpina go chop food, wear cloth. We must connect DSTV because if we do GoTV, the neighbors go call us sufferhead. I-better-pass-my-neighbor generator go make Mama Derpina shame to dey buy karosin from Mama Clara, so we gatz buy big Elemax. We go pay NEPA bill. House rent. School fees. Na only Papa Derpina dey go work for the house oh. Only me.

On top of that wan now, she go like make I buy am Smartphone so she go fit dey Instagram like Cynthia wey dey go LASU.

Papa Derpina considered the Malawi plan again, this time with a lot more seriousness.

 

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Vunderkind: Bespectacled geeky farmer with a pen. On twitter,I am the asshole called @TheVunderkind
www.iraborjustin.wordpress.com